So, it's been a while since I blogged. Time flies when your having fun....or not.
I'm tired and emotional atm. Had a bloody virus nasty sore throat thing since Saturday last week (today is Thursday) - it's very tiring and frustrating, not having much of a voice.
The kids seem to want to ask more questions than ever and they are not ones that require yes or no answers. No one can understand me, so repeating myself is the norm and also not very helpful when you are trying to rest your voice.
I have decided I don't have time to be sick these days. So am taking myself off the "pick up bugs" list as of today. It's magnified by the fact that I don't get paid if I don't and god knows we can't afford to miss out on my wage. So I forged ahead this week - but to the detriment of my health and haven't had time and/or haven't been able to get into the doc's until tomorrow. I still missed out on about 10 hours of work....bye bye to that $250 bucks!
Anyway...enough of my whinging. Suck it up princess....
Brent is heading off on yet another 2 night camping adventure, kid free, just the 3 amegos.... I recon he has done at least half a dozen of these trips over spring/summer....tough life. I'd be happy with a kid free day here and there.
It'll be ten years this year, since we first noticed something wasn't right with Kayla. The first few years after realising the truth were hard, you go through a lot of grief and loss. Then you kind of get on with it for a while. But I'd be lying if I said I'm finished grieving. I think it kind of goes in cycles, grief.
Kayla is approaching/or even started puberty and the realisation of what she can't do and what she will never achieve is as stark as ever. I guess my grief has turned around from being my loss, to now grieving for her loss, things she will never experience or understand or have. She'll never have a best friend to gossip with, never have a first kiss, first date, first love. There will be no excitement over dressing up for the school dance, nerves about getting her licence or anticipation of turning 18 and 21.
I look into those beautiful chocolate brown eyes and often wonder what she would be like if things where different.
I long to make a connection.
I wish for a miracle.
I live each day as it comes.
I survive.....
